Go

Get the tools you need

and cross that river

Take the chance

Be among those trees

and just leave me

Don't look back

I'll be fine

I've got good company

I've heard amazing things have happened when

Young people take a chance

You have my faith that the grass is greener

When you cross

When you cross that river

I told you

Don't worry about me

I got myself a Yeti

I taught you

How to live a life

Go make it extraordinary

No more

Second guessing

or no name faces

I've heard amazing things have happened when

Young people take a chance

You have my faith that the grass is greener

When you cross

When you cross that river

Know you've grown tired of life

and making up your mind

Trying all the time

Chasing alibis

Trust me I know that you think you're wrong

But keep making your songs

You're taking the chance I never did

Crossing a river I never had

I've heard amazing things have happened when

Young people take a chance

You have my faith that the grass is greener

When you cross

I've heard amazing things have happened when

Young people take a chance

You have my faith that the grass is greener

When you cross

When you cross that river

This song took a while to form. I relatively knew what I wanted the sound to be but I was really stuck on the lyrics. I was wanting to write a song about my goals and what they meant to me. How it felt like crossing a river to get to and I was just wanting to be on the other side already. But nothing worked. It wasn't until I decided to maybe change the point of view that I felt I could get somewhere. I remembered a conversation I had with my mom after I just purchased my computer and she said "Get the tools you need" since I was feeling a little buyer regret since it was so expensive and I had only recently started living on my own with my wife. I based the whole song off from what I imagine her words would be to me. Then when it came to making the sound, I took great inspiration from the quieter and forest sounding pieces from Twilight Princess, making use of the subdued horns and woodwinds.

It started out when I was a kid

You love the things you love

When they judge you on what you do

and they don't have a clue

That they created a monster

That will live inside my head

Pushing its teeth and

Creeping everywhere

No, I don't think they know

What they did to my trust

I don't think you really like me

So stop pretending like you do

I may just be paranoid

But that isn't anything new

(but that's nothing new)

Anxiety and self-deprecation

But it's hard to believe I'm blue

I don't think anyone likes me

So why wouldn't you too

No one listens to what I say

It's all just noise entering my grave

I bet you wouldn't listen

Even if I asked you to

Then we wind up in the same place

I don't think you really like me

So stop pretending like you do

I may just be paranoid

But that isn't anything new

(but that's nothing new)

Anxiety and self-deprecation

But it's hard to believe I'm blue

I don't think anyone likes me

So why wouldn't you too

Can't get out of my head

Can't believe a thing you say

Can't keep going like this

Can't stop pushing you away

(x2)

I don't think you really like me

So stop pretending like you do

I may just be paranoid

But that isn't anything new

(but that's nothing new)

Anxiety and self-deprecation

But it's hard to believe I'm blue

I don't think anyone likes me

So why wouldn't you too

This was the first track recorded for the album. It's a song about my insecurities, especially concerning some interactions I have with certain people. They'll act nicely to me but don't ever engage in conversation with me. Or if they do, it's always very surface level. Originally this song was going to be a lot more serious and a lot more finger pointy. But I couldn't help but feel how silly it was. I was listening to some Blink at the time and was wanting to also make a pop-punk song but wasn't sure how to approach it. So I swung at it with these lyrics, which were temporary at the time. The first verse seemed too cheesy for my original idea but it made sense within a pop punk song. Everything fell in place right after and only made minor adjustments to the lyrics

Why is it so difficult to be in my skin?

From low confidence to the guilt of privilege and past social crimes,

just me being have made others question their safety.

My state, my skin has scared good people, made them uncomfortable

I'm not saying my place of privilege is worse than their lack of,

It's the being aware, being embarrassed, empathy dragging me down.

I see your point of view.

Just because one needle is longer doesn't mean they don't both hurt.

You walk scared of what my people will do.

I walk scared of what my people will pursue.

But every skin and freckle on me tells you exactly who to trust,

while I try to readjust

Someone has already called emergency, I wanted to call you family.

But there's something in-between, I'll do what I must.

Turn to dust.

Ying and Yang is where we meet.

Bringing peace among the differences in defeat

Our eyes filled with the other in our head.

Swim circles with me as we bring the world to where it stands.

We may be incomplete but this starts with you and me

A catastrophe,

but only maybe.

It's the gap that we both must run across.

To step outside the comfort of our own skin,

See another as we truly exist.

To persist in a mutual subsist.

To see each other more than just a sin.

But every skin and freckle on me tells you exactly who to trust,

while I try to readjust

Someone has already called emergency, I wanted to call you family.

But there's something in-between, I'll do what I must.

Turn to dust.

Maybe if I disappear, maybe if I humble myself beyond the point of return.

Then maybe it'll be fair.

We'll never again have to care about the pigment and if it's relevant,

And this will be permanent.

But I'd rather see the end, ya know.

See people become friends,

the problems start to mend,

peace ceremony to attend.

And every skin and freckle tells you exactly who to trust,

while we readjust to what we must.

We can be family.

Then you said additionally

"You can't turn to dust,

I love you too much."

I really wanted a Lofi track but I didn't think I had the lyrics for one. Most Lofi songs are soft, whimsical, and loving tracks. Or no vocals at all. But I was struggling to find a sound for these lyrics. I think I first wrote it with rapping or spoken word (or a mixture) and be with a R&B beat. But I just couldn't find it with this song. Then I remembered that Lofi uses these type of beats but I still felt the lyrics were too different from the sound. But I went ahead and tried it. If it didn't work out, I'd have a Lofi song to add to the album with no lyrics. At first, it wasn't a good fit but that's cause I sang it the first time. I then just spoke it, using the voice and vocal rhythms that are used when reading poetry in class (did plenty of it in college). Put a filter on my voice and it was better than I expected. I also had a huge debate with myself about the lyrics of the track and if I should release them. The last thing I wanted was a topic like this to be talked about poorly and for it to be misinterpreted. I wonder if I could even do it justice. I read over these lyrics again and again. Lots of crossing of words. Long pauses before writing the next lines. I just hope I was able to say something meaningful that resonated with the listener while creating the words and music that conveyed the steady, melancholy tone of a quiet, desperate struggle of simple pigments. Or we can just listen to Bo Burnham "Insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization?" And I think this quote has been haunting these lyrics but I went ahead with the song

Please don't

Live inside this hole you like to call a home

Please don't

Stop trying to climb out, I love you too dearly

Contentment

Will be your chains

But you seem ok with that

ok with that

Ok with depression

Ok with hate

Ok with leaving

Content with death

Letting this hole cave in

While dirt fills your lungs

Instead of the laughter

I thought you breathed

Oh, I thought you breathed

And I have to watch,

Unsure to dig you out

or if you even

Want me to

If I try,

Will you die?

If I watch,

Cause me to notch?

Please don't

Be content anymore, there's daylight to be seen

Please don't

Lock yourself away, you'll scare yourself gone

But you're so ok with that

So ok with that

Ok with leaving (everything you've done)

Ok with abandoning (loved ones)

Ok with tearing apart (the world)

Ok with creating holes

I watch mediocrity fill your veins

Your eyes dead of color, the way you want

If I try to save it,

Will that defeat it?

But if I watch it,

Life will quit

This is the oldest set of lyrics. I wrote this in a response to a friend who was feeling suicidal. As time has passed, it's become more of a song for myself and for any moment that surrounds the topic. It's a song that challenges the idea that contentment is the goal. Rather, it's the starting point. Being content with not feeling better, content with the idea that life is just a pile of shit. And you know, sometimes it feels like those ideas aren't unfounded. And this song is as much a plea for a friend's survival as much as it is a reason to keep going. It's the answer and the struggle within one song. Movements (the band) was a big inspiration for this song and wanted to make a post-hardcore song for the lyrics. So I took their songs "Daylily" and "No Good Left To Give" and smushed them together while giving it my own twist. Think the hardest part of this song was finding the right key

(Also please don't misunderstand this song. I'm not ignoring mental illnesses or implying that they can't affect a person's life. What I am saying is that a person may choose to give into them over and over again without really trying to get better. I feel like a song hasn't really talked about the emotional toll it puts on others, or even yourself, because of someone's lack of trying. I also wanted to paint the idea of helplessness within intense circumstances. If suicide or mental illness is seriously affecting your life, please seek help)

instrumental

This is the track that was the most spur of the moment. I felt A Response To Your Wishes needed an epilogue. I wanted the song to actually be way more depressing than what it ended up being. I was going after the idea of the emotions of a funeral for someone close to you. But after I was playing on the keyboard, I ended up with something more ominous, mysterious, and experimental. Even cinematic. And I leaned into those sounds more since I felt the track benefited from it. I still feel like the original idea is still in there tho.

If the ground could talk,

then it could tell me where you've walked

All the mistakes I'll refrain

the paths of rain

Lost in the remains

of lives feigned

If the future could hear

to all of the things I fear

Heartache and disasters

of yesterday's pastors

Telling me I'm no master,

I'm just a theory crafter

My life already set and stone

cause the man on the throne

Told me so

Oh, how the bird will crow

I want to know your footprints

but not your avenue

See, love is the mistake we make

but I can't ask if

If you don't know your hope

is not mine alone

I'm destined to never feel at home

I want to be your son

I want to stay family

If you knew my secret

All ties will be cut

Tarnish the image

Between whom I'm perceived

and what's believed

Please show me your footprints

It'll be easier to accept

If I followed every step

I could trace the imprints

Memorize the fabrications

Breathe in the innocence

Move back to Kansas

I don't want to accept this

Old-fashioned basis

It's not war its

Make believe decisions

What exists and what existence is

I could pull back the veil

But I don't want to change you

I want you to know my hue

"It's dangerous to go alone,

Take this."

No thank you.

I've tried this one before

It made me feel like nothing

Not feel worthwhile

Big enough to do

All I felt was blue

Without a clue

Man, I was so alone

Got to all the groups

Talk in a loop

I would answer them all

Only one thinking

About philosophy and

What it means to withdraw

Asking questions about

Topics left too taboo

Getting answers that are

Not thought through

I tried looking deeper

Making my faith weaker

That's when I left the path

Your footprints becoming my wrath

I want to know your footprints

As they enter my wedding

I'll know your face when

There's no scripture

No one above to speak of

No god in our love

Will your footprints move away?

Will they sink too far underground?

Will they actually be there?

Will they be scared?

I want to know your footprints are staying

and have a way to move forward

Maybe I won't have to follow them anymore

Maybe we could walk together

Footsteps was the most difficult song to put on the album. I feel it's very confessional and I wasn't sure how people close to me would react to it. Still not sure to be honest. I wrote this around the time as A Response To Your Wishes (though I believe it was a little after) so it's pretty close to the same age, definitely written in the same setting (that being a junior spring semester in college). Religion has been one of the most diverse and difficult parts of my life. I was the kid that would really dig deep when at the youth groups. Asking big questions and taking the whole thing very seriously. And then I got to a point where the answers stopped making sense and the questions felt unanswered. The more I scrambled and searched, the less sense everything became. All during my sophomore year of high school, my first year without my brother at home. And while I knew I was lonely, it wasn't until he left that it hit me. There was no one at the church that cared about me and I felt empty. Sure I felt some of that before since I didn't ever really have friends but I at least had my brother to disguise it. It was just a hole when he left and no one cared. I still believed at that point but I was struggling. I went a whole year of youth group and forcing myself to keep going when it felt so barren. Then I took a year away from youth groups and felt a relief fall on me. I wasn't burdened with the idea of going anymore. I'm sure my parents questioned it but they also couldn't question the idea that they knew that I didn't have friends. Then my senior year, we moved churches (I still believed but I was on thin ice). My parents basically forced me to go to youth group again. I said I would give it a go for a little bit and would stop if I didn't have friends. However, I also had the responsibility of taking my sister. Despite me doing better with this group, I still wanted to stop but felt like I couldn't because I was in charge of getting my sister there where she seemed happy to be. And remember feeling like such a fraud. Like prayer seemed so silly to me. Obsessing over this book felt strange. Worship seemed like an outrageous idea. But I could have fun with the others here. So I made a theory: If god provides and all I want is a friend, then they would surely come from this group. Or at least for this group to care for me after I graduate. That they would do their best to include me in their lives. Or at least one person. No one kept up with me. I haven't received one message from any of them since I've left. Sure I haven't messaged them either but god was supposed to be the bigger man here. A connection would form that would be bigger enough to give me incentive to keep up with at least one person. None happened. I was left with unanswered questions and hopes lost when I went into college. I still claimed I was a christian but did none of the practices. They were time consuming and I honestly didn't believe them anymore. The theory that really got me was what would happen if everything in the world was exactly the same, but there was no god for the reason. What does believing in god change about the current situation if the outcome would be the same if there wasn't. If the existence doesn't change anything, then what does believing do. I think during that first semester at college I just couldn't claim it anymore. I only held on to it for so long because it was such an integral part of my identity. I didn't know who I was without god. I didn't have a purpose or a way to cope. But I knew I had to let go. I however didn't tell a single person, outside of a few people I met at college. No one in my family knows. I don't even think I told my friends from high school. I think my friends figured it out but I don't think my family had. Which is why this track was a big deal to post. I dared myself to do it. I already made the majority of this song on a notation program so I just tidied it up and spoke/rapped over it. (Never thought I would get close to rapping but here I am daring myself again). It's my most ambitious song, at least in my perspective.

*have not notated lyrics yet

I had a huge want to make a rock/rap track but I knew that I needed an outside rapper to make it actually good. Luckily I had a friend who wanted to make a rock/rap track too. He posted it in spring and at the time I was working on another song and had plans to work on other songs after so I was going to send him a message when I completed those. (I work a full time job and I'm still relatively a newly wed so there's a lot of time being taken up and sometimes the album worked in a slow process). I, however, struggled with making the track when I finally got to it. The idea was in my head but it wasn't coming out. I eventually came up with the whole song but I missed the lyrics and still had no idea on what to do with those. So I sent my friend the track and apologized for the lack of direction on the lyric content but I would also still keep working on trying to figure those out. I also still had faith that my friend could figure out the lyrics better than I could and I didn't want to push my own writing on top of his. (I figured that rapping had a lot of character in it and having someone else's words in your rap wouldn't really work. So I let him just do his thing.) I think I gave him about 2 months time to get the lyrics (keep in mind that his life was busy) and he got them to me in about a month and half. I was really amazed by the lyrics. I had no changes to make. I just made a chorus out of what he made and added some effects. Turned out way better than I would have imagined.

I want to be amazing

Oh, so amazing

Just like you said

I would

But I'm anything but

That word

And they're so amazing

Just star gazing

Catching all the hearts

Making art

Crossing their river

Moving forward

And I'm stuck here

Moving fast nowhere

Cause I've got an aching heart

Tired of its part

A head full of darts

Waiting to restart

Amazing

I want to be amazing

Just like they are

Shooting stars

Moving across my guitar

Feeling so far

And what about me

And all of my dreams

Thought they would be

Amazing

I thought I would be

Amazing

But no one is listening

Nothing is interesting

I'm better of manifesting

That my mind needs resting

Knowing I'm not amazing

Oh, so amazing

I'm just another soul

Looking for home

It's what they stole

Amazing

Oh, so amazing

That's all I wanted to be

Something more than me

Extraordinary

Tell me I'm amazing

I'm trying to be

Who you see

After I completed this song, I knew I wanted this to be the theme of the album, although I don't think I ever say the album title in this song, it's inspired from this song. There's no big story or hidden meaning behind this track. I simply just want to feel that I made something amazing or feel that way. I think the goal seems so unachievable at times. And this was my plea. I'm exhausted from working at the jobs that drain the energy of life and don't give two shits about me. I'm ready for the next step and this pandemic came right when the opportunities started to feel reachable. But usually I feel incompetent and overshadowed, even without a pandemic.

Stop looking at me sideways

Quit talking behind my back

This isn't middle school

It's a sophisticated social ecosystem

Where you're above me

and I'm invisible

Cause I'm a loser after all

Hugging another concrete wall

Misery is who I call

What I look forward to is the fall

Say "hi" as I pass by

Then ignore me when I reply

Then again when it's goodbye

Judgement is what I lack

That's always been a fact

It's another emotional trap

But I'll take that bait again

Cause I'm a loser after all

Hugging another concrete wall

Misery is who I call

What I look forward to is the fall

So keep your distance here

All that's left is fear

I'm just trying to hold on

So call me acquaintance

Call me boring

Call me distant

Call me whatever the fuck you want

I'm whatever you want me to be

Bring me to my knees

Waiting anxiously

Nothing left of me

Cause I'm a loser after all

Hugging another concrete wall

Misery is who I call

What I look forward to is the fall

So keep your distance here

All that's left is fear

I'm just trying to hold on

This song was supposed to sound way more pop-punk/emo, like Spanish Love Songs type. Idk what happened cause I know that I could have achieved it but this version wouldn't stop bothering me on keeping it. The more I thought about changing it, the more it felt like it wanted to remain the way I had it. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. However, it is the version I love. This song was written in a time where my wife's sister just made her feel like a loser. Granted, she's a rebellious and problematic high schooler. Regardless, her words have impact and they got to me. Not her teasing but the way she made my wife feel like a loser got me feeling like one too. I felt really boring, poor, and lacking in direction and meaning. As if some high schooler had a better life than myself. It brought me back to when I was in high school and I felt like a loser all the time. I had so little friends and I hung out with no one, partly because my ex didn't let me hang out with anyone but her (long story but we dated through all of high school so it was like this from the start) and I wasn't the social type. Then I was reminded of the song I wrote I Don't Think You Really Like Me and those feelings came up all over again.

When all outside is overwhelming

While the world is much too merry

and all my hopes feel like a sword I cannot carry

There is a place I can fall

When my head is too heavy with doubt

When my outlook is beyond my clout

When all my disease comes seeping out

You are who I can call

Cause there's a place I call home

It isn't in these walls

or hidden in our rent.

It's not another destination,

it's not even in the journey.

It's the soul that you carry

and why there's peace in J316

I've been trying to pick myself up

I've been meaning to fix this stuff

But I haven't had the time

Please forgive this crime

I know you're patient and I know you're worn

From the places where you've been torn

But you're the place where love is formed

Where love is formed

Cause there's a place I call home

It isn't in these walls

or hidden in our rent.

It's not another destination,

it's not even in the journey.

It's the soul that you carry

and why there's peace in J316

Just keep pushing through this storm

and our love will be evermore

The line we're walking is thorough

But later we can hide in my burrow

Cause there's a place I call home

It isn't in these walls

or hidden in our rent.

It's not another destination,

it's not even in the journey.

It's the soul that you carry

and why there's peace in J316

After my wife and I got married, we moved literally to the day after. And we don't really like the vibe of the city. It was alright on the visit but it sucks living here. I've made some good friends and all (of course hanging out is still difficult to navigate with covid and everyone having their own lives) but it doesn't stop the feeling that this city isn't for us. So right when we feel like we can, we're gonna move to a city or town that's closer to family. We moved here for my career so we are waiting until that feels good enough. Until then, she's my peace within the city limits. The only place and person I know who can make this part feel like home. And while the lyrics are exactly what I want, the song itself doesn't sit quite right imo. This is the song I felt could have used some work but I've had a friend tell me that they like this song (top 3) and it's gotten some likes from others as well so I don't think it needs as much work as I think it does.

Winter folded this season over

As we pass into crispy air

Like being pushed into an empty room

There was no space to spare

Just as the light went out

I make a fire from what's inside of me

I cried gasoline and sweat oil

When the flames got low

As much as I tried to keep its burn

It was never enough

As words drip off the page

And onto my dry hands

I can't help but cut myself

Reaching for the next ones

Nonetheless

Book by book I read

Trying to figure out what it meant

The room is getting smaller

Anxiety getting higher

Filing and can't find the divider

Don't cry

It's time to grow up now

Don't cry

Little soldier boy

You've gone through forest and trees

Mountains and caves

Plains and seas

But you're stumblin'

You've fought dragons

And sailed against the breeze

But you've been hiding

From this disease

Little soldier boy

Tell me who has left you

and hurt you this way?

Who's taken your trust

and left you betrayed?

Everything that's broken

Is left in your cave

And deep inside is

Where you said it could stay.

And tell the memories

That dance on your lashes

That they're better off

Left in the ashes

And they'll refuse to go

While making lots of clashes.

The inside of you

Will be nothing but rashes.

Tell me littler soldier boy

Who would do you this way

Don't cry

It's time to grow up now

Don't cry

Don't cry

It's time to grow up now

Don't cry don't cry

(x2)

"I'm not - I don't think I'm ready."

"What do you mean not ready? You have to be."

"I have to be?"

"You do. It's your responsibility now. No one else will do it for you."

"What is 'it' exactly?"

"Everything."

So I had two song ideas that weren't coming into formation. One was a the music to a set of lyrics that I had. I wanted the song to have a fantasy element to it since my wife loves the genre. But I just couldn't think of a melody or anything. Just the lyrics and that's all I had. Then I had a Lord of the Rings idea and I had a pretty good idea of what that would sound like (hadn't recorded anything yet) but I had no lyrics to it after attempting it twice. (My writing process goes through my head a lot quicker than on paper so a lot of ideas get scratched before they even get written. The ideas I did have required reaching out to whoever owns the movie rights and seeing if I could use their audio clips. My guess would be a no but I kept trying with other ideas. One was making the story of Frodo and Sam a metaphor for Race. While I loved the idea, I could not get the words I needed to get myself to that destination. The brotherhood is there but I think there isn't enough source material to get what my idea was trying to do. Maybe a different writer could but I couldn't get it. The other was more of a friendship brotherhood route and a narrative of what their story is. I scratched that idea when I got stumped after the 1st verse after the chorus. It felt too much like listening to the story that everyone already knows and loves. No one needs a song about the thing. Sure my lyrics were adding some of the emotional notes that are implied within the other medias but I couldn't justify the reasoning of making it, even if I somehow got the approval of using sound clips from the film.) However, after writing my 2nd to last song (J316 took a while to figure out musically), I decided to combine the two since they had missing parts to another. And while I used a sax for the intro and it gives it a city tone, try hearing it in the earthy tones. Regardless, it still all fits together. I also wanted to make a long song since I didn't feel any of my songs achieved a length. (This album was made to act as a resume for me since I'm a producer and using songwriting as my main selling point). Then an odd idea came to me to make the last bit of the song prog rock. And then how long should it go as a prog rock song? I think I could have gone through the chord progression 1 or 2 more times but I thought it would alienate some of my listeners a little too much and I also didn't think the track called for it. Regardless, I think my Tool and Coheed fans will appreciate it. I had my final reprises also in really good spots and making it longer would ruin it I think. And I also didn't add any bass at the end. That's not a mistake but it's really weird sometimes when I listen back to this track. Anyways, I made that decision to hit the listener in the type of way that adding bass would make it sound too full. It allows the guitar and synth to create the sound I'm aiming for. It's a track for a lot of ideas that shouldn't work but do.